Pan Movie Review & Film Summary

Pan is the new Peter Pan telling from director Joe Wright. It’s a prequel, which tells the story of a twelve-year orphan, Peter (Levi Miller), who is kidnaped by a group of pirates and taken to Neverland. It is there he discovers that he has a destiny bigger than he could have ever imagined—to become the hero, that never grows up.

Hugh Jackman and Levi Miller in Pan

Hugh Jackman and Levi Miller in Pan

Now, let’s cut to the chase! Pan was a complete disaster. I’ve been a fan of the J.M. Barrie character and story since childhood, and this by far, is the worst version I’ve ever seen.

So, after I looked over my notes as I walked out of the theater, I realized there was no possible way I could create a concise review with the written information. So, as a fun, little exercise and a nod to a hero, Mr. Roger Ebert, I’ve decided just to share these very notes with you. Enjoy!

The following are notes that I took during the screening of Pan. Some of these may contain minor spoilers.

Note: Okay, so the nuns of the orphanage just raised a pirate flag. That alerts them (the pirates) to come take the children from the orphanage. I can’t help but wonder how did this agreement come about? Is the Head Nun an undercover pirate? Did we miss this pirate-nun contract signing?

Note: The members of Cirque du Soleil just dropped down into an orphanage to kidnap kids…is this how they recruit actors?

 Note: Did Peter just slap a planet? What?  Does this trip to Neverland give him super-growing powers that make him so big a planet can fit in the palm of his hand?

 Note: The visuals are quite stunning as they enter Neverland—I hope to see more of that magical world.

 Note: Okay…Peter just arrived at Blackbeard’s (Hugh Jackman) mines, where he has the orphans look for fairy dust, and he and all the miners are singing Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”—What the hell is going on?

Now, this was completely odd to me. I genuinely could not wrap my head around it. Maybe if they heard the song while they were stealing children in London or America, but this movie takes place during World War II. So that song wasn’t even written yet!

Note: Now they are singing The Ramones’s “Blitzkrieg Bop!” I’m so confused! Is director Joe Wright telling us that Blackbeard is actually not a vicious pirate, but a great rock songwriter? Or is he telling us that he’s actually a pirate because he stole these songs?

 Note: Luckily Hook (Garrett Hedlund) doesn’t sound like he is trying to impersonate The Joker from The Dark Knight Rises, like he did in the trailer. But he’s already made enough references to him and Pan’s future that I’m annoyed. 

 Note: Smee (Adeel Akhtar) is the only character I like so far.

 Note: Hook just made another joke about fighting with Pan later…Ha! So creative.

 Note: There are CGI bone-birds in this thing, they look like Digimon–there are Digimon in Pan!

 Note: That guy fighting Hook looks like Rufio…Is that supposed to be Rufio? They have the same hair kind of.

 Note: Tiger Lily’s get-up looks pretty cool.

 Note: Another Pan and Hook fighting joke!

 Note: The pirates have invaded the savages. As Pan and the gang make an escape, the pirates and Blackbeard look extremely bored and are just flailing their arms as they “shoot at them.” Come on guys, act! You know, like try to make me believe what’s going on.

 Note: Oh, a croc? Is this where Hook loses his hand? Nope. Guess not, just another use of “foreshadowing.”

 These following notes contain MAJOR spoilers!

Note: The climatic battle was not only annoying, but it kept going and going!

 Note: Now, that Pan saved Hook’s life, what could he possibly do to anger Hook so much that he would go on to kill some Lost Boys and try to kill Peter?

 Note: Maybe by Peter saving Hook instead of Tiger Lily (Hook’s love interest), she will die?

 Note: Nope throw that theory out the window! Because that actually makes sense.

Note: I’m the biggest sap ever, but that scene with Pan and his mom didn’t work for me. It feels thrown in.

Note: Why in the hell would Peter’s friend who escaped the pirates, go back to the orphanage that was hand-feeding kids to pirates?

 Note: So this movie is ending and Pan and Hook are still friends, Hook and Tiger Lily have a thing, and Hook still has his hand. This set-up movie didn’t set anything up at all?! What was the point?

 Note: Oh boy, ANOTHER joke about Hook and Peter Pan fighting later.

Note: Smee is still the only character I like so far, and the credits are rolling.

 0.5 out of 4 stars

-By Jacob Tiranno

Here is our review for the other movie that came out this week: The Walk

In case you missed our video review for this week, check it out below:

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